I'm actually chasing sunflowers.

I am such a stupid little kid sometimes it's amazing I'm not dead in a ditch, after everything I've been through you'd thing I wouldn't be scared to actually take the reigns and get my shit together, but this is something I've noticed, I don't know how to handle things when they are normal. I can deal with any disaster situation you can think of very calmly and detached and then as soon as the dust settles I'm an absolute wreck. I really feel shell shocked. I think technically I am shellshocked... But I don't know much about it really...

yeah... when I think of everything I've been through, I'm doing well. Actually I'm fucking amazing. If I spend the rest of my life keeping my nose clean and working minimum wage jobs, I will consider myself a success. I mean 11 months ago I was in hospital, and they said I'd be back in 6 months. So yeah. fuck them and fuck everything and whatever.

honestly though I am panicking a little bit, this is a long time for me to stay put and it's the longest consecutive amount of time I've felt safe in 3 years... that's weird actually. The last longest amount of time I was safe was when I was in hospital and that was 28 days... 28 days straight of just being in a safe situation.... It's weird because I'm so laid back now compared to how I was but I just feel like I'm waiting for some kind of bomb to explode, and it's not going to is the thing. it's all okay. I've cut all the lunatics out of my life, I live with an 80 year old women who thinks the hardest thing to struggle with is getting her cat into a carrier. The craziest part of my day is a busy lunchtime at work. A bad day for me now is being a little tired. When I make a mistake now, it's something like I spent too much money on shoes. I am so overwhelmed with the simplicity of everything right now, I'm like a deer in the headlights. I don't know where to move or how, I'm just frozen stuck. I can't problem solve if there isn't a problem.

Well, I've been observing normal people who are used to these sorts of things and I've noticed they don't think about it.... It's not something that occurs to them to try and fix something that isn't broken. They haven't lived in a constant state of perpetual disaster. They're just on a trip and they don't even realize it... totally oblivious and then the river dumps them out at random spots, they lose there job or there girlfriend and then they just jump back into the water and keep swimming. I'm just treading water here freaking out about where the current will take me next I guess.... but I'm getting so tired... I'm going to have to pick a current or get dragged in....

Yup... it's time to make a move.

Stop being a pussy
Shut the fuck up
Get your shit together
Go for it.

Yeah I can do this. I can do anything. Being fucked up is so boring... I mean would you rather see a horror film or a brilliant comedy? I going to go grab life by it's rabbit ears and pull a fucking elephant out of the hat. it'll be such a surprise! I'll turn it into something lovely and that's just the most sadistic fuck off I could throw at the past. I'm such a punchline, it's hilarious. But it's brilliant. I'll be the girl that visited hell and came home with sunflowers.
 :)

Tonight I'm chasing pirates.