heads or tails, I'm both these people.

How to get over traumatizing shit, the wicked fast way
1. Get away from the situation. I moved countries. Fresh start. Clean slate.
2. Find positive people a shoulder to cry on that won't put up with your bullshit.
3. Think positive even if you don't believe it at least 70% of the time. That's 7/10 thoughts need to be good ones. fake it until you make it.
4. Find a way to turn your brain off (without drugs). I exercise and listen to music. it's a form of meditation.
5. Find a project. Something new, yours, and to throw yourself into.
6. eat well. seriously makes a huge difference. Even if it's just so that you feel taken care of.
7. Take care of yourself
8. stay busy, do fun things, don't allow yourself to be depressed at home.
9. be patient and forgiving of your emotions. They will catch up with your brain when they are ready to.
10. Let yourself have a bad day. your going to have them anyway, if you pick a day to be a bad day at least your in control. tell everyone to fuck off, hide under your covers and eat shit food, cry all day, don't shower watch shit tv, don't take care of yourself, throw a giant fucking tantrum. A bad day can last as long as you need it to. The longest bad day I let myself have lasted for 28 days. Whether it is 28 days or a few hours, at the end of it, you will be bored, and you will be ready to throw the towel in on it, because even if it's hard work and fucking exhausting to be happy, it's better than being bored and miserable and hating yourself. something will pull you out of it. but the fact is when your trying to get over horrifying things that have happened to you, being happy and thinking positive feels unatural and is exahuasting, draining, you might feel fake, but honestly, it's worth it, because your training your mind to think differently, and it works. Be careful with these bad days. Don't let yourself have too many. 28 days is excessive. kick your ass, if you cant do that find someone else to. but for christs sake get a fucking grip somehow.
11. find independence and stability. In other words a means to live, is important.otherwise you cant relax enough to be miserable and deal with things.
12. find a way to blow off steam. Your going to be angry. angry at yourself angry at people you cant get back at. for me those people I was mad at were in my past, and I lived with this anger at them for years for what they did to me. go to the middle of nowhere and yell at the sky, sing music in your car, break something, do anything to get it out, but do something postive right after. because you cant allow that shit to fester. best thing to do is find a positive way to get it out. Run 30 miles, punch a punching bag, sing, cook pancakes, find something good for you that you can turn into something you love.



I'm starting a new chapter of my life, it's called taking over the fucking world!!!

      Seriously, I feel amazing about basically everything! Which is weird because nothing in my life has changed particularly except for my mindset. I'm just ready to let the bad stuff go now. I was so hung up on my past. I was shell shocked actually, I think I always will be in a way but I know how to handle it now.

       I have been in England for 8 months now! And I've finally calmed down enough to see things clearly again. I laugh everyday, I'm just happy. The world is beautiful and I'm safe, and in control enough that I get to appreciate it. I get such a high off that, I'm so lucky to have crawled back out of the grave. I'm lucky. But just like when you accidentally almost get hit by a car, you dont get hung up on the fact you almost died, you laugh at the close shave and get on your way.

      Now that I'm not still reliving everything and running away I can smell the flowers and figure out where I want to go next! I'm looking at what I can do now. It's a weird way of settling. I'm looking into my different career options, and I know whatever I want to do I can do it all the way. I can keep the lessons I learned without letting them hurt me still, and If I learned anything about myself is that I am a survivor. I dont know how to let myself fail. it's impossible. I know in my heart that I have been through the absolute worst I can go through so 'm not scared of anything anymore, and if I do ever get that close to the edge again, I know I'll always have people to pull me back. I've always had people, not because I'm lucky but because I'm not scared to love. and that means something to people. Sure you get hurt more statistically if you love more people, but you will never be without family anywhere you go in the world.

      I'm not even scared of being alone anymore. Which is very special to me. I was so insecure and scared to be alone before that I would rather be with people that hurt me than be by myself. I think if I never settled in one country, never got married, never had kids, but had a career, friends and a dog, I think I'd die a happy women. I am my own rock and that's cool, because if I am with someone, it's not because I need them, it's because I want them, but with someone or not, this is the most secure and safe I will ever feel.

      I would rather be with someone at the end of the day, but my fairytale fantasy of the perfect relationship isn't any princess bullshit. I want to find the bonnie to my clyde. I want a partner in crime to take on the world with. wonderwomen and superman. That's my fairytale fantasy. I've tripped up enough over men to let them sweep me off my feet ever again. I'm too on top of my game to waste that kind of time on someone who probably can't keep up with me.

 I went to hell and brought home sunflowers. I'm throwing them out, and I'm moving on.