When I was little and had nightmares every night, my mom told me all I have to do is change my dreams. so I did. I can still edit my dreams as they are happening it's great. I like to think when I'm scared in normal life I can just recognize the fact that it's just an emotion and all I have to do is change it. Sometimes I just can't change how I feel about things. Like the last 24 hours I've just been so scared. I'm an ocean away from home and there are bombs going off where my family lives. I mean how am I supposed to relax about that? even if everything is fine now, what about next week? my little sister is at sasquatch right now, what if she's dumb like me and takes some pills someone gives her and wakes up in a strange place? And I'm not there to save her. What if Sidney has his surgery and it doesnt go right. or worse noone tells me it's happening so I dont get to be there. What if my family just forgets about me completely.
they won't most of this is irrational fear of the world. but it'll be fine, and I will handle it.
the thing is I secretly savor these emotions in a way because there was a time in my life when I had nothing left to lose, maybe not even my sanity, and the fact that I get to feel scared or out of control or lonely means that I am lucky. I have family to worry about, Lost love is still a love I found. I might never have known what it felt like. The fact that I really like someone I can't have is okay because some people don't even have that liberty. I know sometimes you might feel like your breaking too many bones just to see the view from the top of the mountain, but every step I take is a step further from the bottom and it's more beautiful for every step forward I take. or something corny like that.
dunno, I know I need to focus a bit for a minute. or refocus. it's cool.
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