I want to go home. I'm tired of England. I need a hug.


I just feel stuck at the moment. June is forever away. I don't have anything lined up. I'm so scared to go back home at the same time. What if I go back and it's just so stressful being at my moms that I cant deal with it. then what. Go live in a car again? After I came to England I promised myself that I would never get hurt ever again. I almost feel like it's too risky and I should skip the flight. Which is silly. It'll all be fine. It's just been awhile since I stayed with my mom I guess. Everyone has changed a lot since I left the first time. Besides if it is too much I'll just get it sorted out. find some sublet or something for the summer. it'll mean so much to her if I at least stay there for a couple weeks. I'm being dramatic. It's not that big a deal.

heads or tails, I'm both these people.

How to get over traumatizing shit, the wicked fast way
1. Get away from the situation. I moved countries. Fresh start. Clean slate.
2. Find positive people a shoulder to cry on that won't put up with your bullshit.
3. Think positive even if you don't believe it at least 70% of the time. That's 7/10 thoughts need to be good ones. fake it until you make it.
4. Find a way to turn your brain off (without drugs). I exercise and listen to music. it's a form of meditation.
5. Find a project. Something new, yours, and to throw yourself into.
6. eat well. seriously makes a huge difference. Even if it's just so that you feel taken care of.
7. Take care of yourself
8. stay busy, do fun things, don't allow yourself to be depressed at home.
9. be patient and forgiving of your emotions. They will catch up with your brain when they are ready to.
10. Let yourself have a bad day. your going to have them anyway, if you pick a day to be a bad day at least your in control. tell everyone to fuck off, hide under your covers and eat shit food, cry all day, don't shower watch shit tv, don't take care of yourself, throw a giant fucking tantrum. A bad day can last as long as you need it to. The longest bad day I let myself have lasted for 28 days. Whether it is 28 days or a few hours, at the end of it, you will be bored, and you will be ready to throw the towel in on it, because even if it's hard work and fucking exhausting to be happy, it's better than being bored and miserable and hating yourself. something will pull you out of it. but the fact is when your trying to get over horrifying things that have happened to you, being happy and thinking positive feels unatural and is exahuasting, draining, you might feel fake, but honestly, it's worth it, because your training your mind to think differently, and it works. Be careful with these bad days. Don't let yourself have too many. 28 days is excessive. kick your ass, if you cant do that find someone else to. but for christs sake get a fucking grip somehow.
11. find independence and stability. In other words a means to live, is important.otherwise you cant relax enough to be miserable and deal with things.
12. find a way to blow off steam. Your going to be angry. angry at yourself angry at people you cant get back at. for me those people I was mad at were in my past, and I lived with this anger at them for years for what they did to me. go to the middle of nowhere and yell at the sky, sing music in your car, break something, do anything to get it out, but do something postive right after. because you cant allow that shit to fester. best thing to do is find a positive way to get it out. Run 30 miles, punch a punching bag, sing, cook pancakes, find something good for you that you can turn into something you love.



I'm starting a new chapter of my life, it's called taking over the fucking world!!!

      Seriously, I feel amazing about basically everything! Which is weird because nothing in my life has changed particularly except for my mindset. I'm just ready to let the bad stuff go now. I was so hung up on my past. I was shell shocked actually, I think I always will be in a way but I know how to handle it now.

       I have been in England for 8 months now! And I've finally calmed down enough to see things clearly again. I laugh everyday, I'm just happy. The world is beautiful and I'm safe, and in control enough that I get to appreciate it. I get such a high off that, I'm so lucky to have crawled back out of the grave. I'm lucky. But just like when you accidentally almost get hit by a car, you dont get hung up on the fact you almost died, you laugh at the close shave and get on your way.

      Now that I'm not still reliving everything and running away I can smell the flowers and figure out where I want to go next! I'm looking at what I can do now. It's a weird way of settling. I'm looking into my different career options, and I know whatever I want to do I can do it all the way. I can keep the lessons I learned without letting them hurt me still, and If I learned anything about myself is that I am a survivor. I dont know how to let myself fail. it's impossible. I know in my heart that I have been through the absolute worst I can go through so 'm not scared of anything anymore, and if I do ever get that close to the edge again, I know I'll always have people to pull me back. I've always had people, not because I'm lucky but because I'm not scared to love. and that means something to people. Sure you get hurt more statistically if you love more people, but you will never be without family anywhere you go in the world.

      I'm not even scared of being alone anymore. Which is very special to me. I was so insecure and scared to be alone before that I would rather be with people that hurt me than be by myself. I think if I never settled in one country, never got married, never had kids, but had a career, friends and a dog, I think I'd die a happy women. I am my own rock and that's cool, because if I am with someone, it's not because I need them, it's because I want them, but with someone or not, this is the most secure and safe I will ever feel.

      I would rather be with someone at the end of the day, but my fairytale fantasy of the perfect relationship isn't any princess bullshit. I want to find the bonnie to my clyde. I want a partner in crime to take on the world with. wonderwomen and superman. That's my fairytale fantasy. I've tripped up enough over men to let them sweep me off my feet ever again. I'm too on top of my game to waste that kind of time on someone who probably can't keep up with me.

 I went to hell and brought home sunflowers. I'm throwing them out, and I'm moving on.

What do you do when your scared?

When I was little and had nightmares every night, my mom told me all I have to do is change my dreams. so I did. I can still edit my dreams as they are happening it's great. I like to think when I'm scared in normal life I can just recognize the fact that it's just an emotion and all I have to do is change it. Sometimes I just can't change how I feel about things. Like the last 24 hours I've just been so scared. I'm an ocean away from home and there are bombs going off where my family lives. I mean how am I supposed to relax about that? even if everything is fine now, what about next week? my little sister is at sasquatch right now, what if she's dumb like me and takes some pills someone gives her and wakes up in a strange place? And I'm not there to save her. What if Sidney has his surgery and it doesnt go right. or worse noone tells me it's happening so I dont get to be there. What if my family just forgets about me completely. 

they won't most of this is irrational fear of the world. but it'll be fine, and I will handle it. 

the thing is I secretly savor these emotions in a way because there was a time in my life when I had nothing left to lose, maybe not even my sanity, and the fact that I get to feel scared or out of control or lonely means that I am lucky. I have family to worry about, Lost love is still a love I found. I might never have known what it felt like. The fact that I really like someone I can't have is okay because some people don't even have that liberty. I know sometimes you might feel like your breaking too many bones just to see the view from the top of the mountain, but every step I take is a step further from the bottom and it's more beautiful for every step forward I take. or something corny like that. 

dunno, I know I need to focus a bit for a minute. or refocus. it's cool. 

Bullets

It's weird because sometimes when you have a blog you realize; 

a) how boring your life is. 

b) Maybe you aren't as open and honest as you thought you were. 

Recent revelations

1. Want Need Love are 3 different things entirely. Keep them organized.

2. Wherever you go, there you are, especially if your alone in a new country.

3. I don't think I've progressed much in the last few years. That's quite scary.

4. People are much less forgiving and more impatient with themselves then anyone else.  

5. I have worked harder for things that mean less. 

 

Questions Now

i) Do you need more strength to be alone, or with someone? because alone, you deal no matter what, and   with someone it's easy to slip into a codependent cycle of hell right?

ii) The hardest thing is just deciding what you want right? 

iii) How much of a crutch can you let yourself be before it hurts you?

Whats next? 

~ I know what I want, so I need to just find a way to get it. End of story.

~ I need to remember to be patient and in control.

~ I need to do something good for my soul. 

~ I need to take it easy for a minute and stop trying to force it. 

I'm actually chasing sunflowers.

I am such a stupid little kid sometimes it's amazing I'm not dead in a ditch, after everything I've been through you'd thing I wouldn't be scared to actually take the reigns and get my shit together, but this is something I've noticed, I don't know how to handle things when they are normal. I can deal with any disaster situation you can think of very calmly and detached and then as soon as the dust settles I'm an absolute wreck. I really feel shell shocked. I think technically I am shellshocked... But I don't know much about it really...

yeah... when I think of everything I've been through, I'm doing well. Actually I'm fucking amazing. If I spend the rest of my life keeping my nose clean and working minimum wage jobs, I will consider myself a success. I mean 11 months ago I was in hospital, and they said I'd be back in 6 months. So yeah. fuck them and fuck everything and whatever.

honestly though I am panicking a little bit, this is a long time for me to stay put and it's the longest consecutive amount of time I've felt safe in 3 years... that's weird actually. The last longest amount of time I was safe was when I was in hospital and that was 28 days... 28 days straight of just being in a safe situation.... It's weird because I'm so laid back now compared to how I was but I just feel like I'm waiting for some kind of bomb to explode, and it's not going to is the thing. it's all okay. I've cut all the lunatics out of my life, I live with an 80 year old women who thinks the hardest thing to struggle with is getting her cat into a carrier. The craziest part of my day is a busy lunchtime at work. A bad day for me now is being a little tired. When I make a mistake now, it's something like I spent too much money on shoes. I am so overwhelmed with the simplicity of everything right now, I'm like a deer in the headlights. I don't know where to move or how, I'm just frozen stuck. I can't problem solve if there isn't a problem.

Well, I've been observing normal people who are used to these sorts of things and I've noticed they don't think about it.... It's not something that occurs to them to try and fix something that isn't broken. They haven't lived in a constant state of perpetual disaster. They're just on a trip and they don't even realize it... totally oblivious and then the river dumps them out at random spots, they lose there job or there girlfriend and then they just jump back into the water and keep swimming. I'm just treading water here freaking out about where the current will take me next I guess.... but I'm getting so tired... I'm going to have to pick a current or get dragged in....

Yup... it's time to make a move.

Stop being a pussy
Shut the fuck up
Get your shit together
Go for it.

Yeah I can do this. I can do anything. Being fucked up is so boring... I mean would you rather see a horror film or a brilliant comedy? I going to go grab life by it's rabbit ears and pull a fucking elephant out of the hat. it'll be such a surprise! I'll turn it into something lovely and that's just the most sadistic fuck off I could throw at the past. I'm such a punchline, it's hilarious. But it's brilliant. I'll be the girl that visited hell and came home with sunflowers.
 :)

Tonight I'm chasing pirates.

It's fucking Pancake day Bitchez!

    But I'm eating brugly sprouts?

      I really feel like I'm being productive when I make a list. Like I'm really achieving something. The problem is, for the last 3 weeks I have made the same list over and over again, and I'm starting to get worried that if I don't do something on the list I'll get sucked into a list making vortex of sorts and everyone knows that it is almost impossible to crawl out of a vortex. It's basic Sci-fi knowledge. The only ways out are usually time travel or magic powers, maybe a time turner or a tardis. Actually I have seen a counter explosion used on multiple occasions. It does seem to be the most effective method. Maybe I should set my desk on fire or something.

      I don't know what I'm so overwhelmed for right now. This is the quiet life.

      I know one thing though, Last night I sat down with my box of crayola crayons and colored in my bank statement, and my fire engine red has informed me that I spent WAY too much money at the Bobbin between the 4th of January and the 4th of February.

      -Woops!

      I also seem to be in the process of buying myself a new wardrobe as well, according to my  banana mania yellow. Basically by the time I finished, my bank statement was a lovely composition of the electric lime-brick red spectrum which are my I'm a spoilt brat colors. I need to be living the eggplant-denim kind of life right now otherwise this summer is going to be very raw umber-tumbleweed.

Uhmmm oh and this is pretty sick nasty: just blaze + Baauer - Higher

I'm done....